McMohammed

Is it blasphemy day yet? .. It is now.
McMohammed (PBUH (Processed Beef Upon Him))- Face not shown, as it's hidden by clown make-up!

All nuggets slaughtered as cruelly and hallallallly as possible.

Click on image to supersize it! You know the drill.

-Ables 13: Smoreables

Not real Graham Crackers, no. Truth in advertisement compels them to the qualifier- Graham Style Crackers. In other words, polygraham-dextrocrackrulate. Although, to be perfectly nazi-grammatical, it should be Graham-style, not Graham Style, as the latter could be said to further modify 'Crackers' in it's own right, rendering a very stylish Cracker which also happens to be Graham.

It also amuses me, that the brand name, "kinnikinnick" is a corruption of an Unami word that often referred to tobacco.

With all the things this treat is FREE from, it's a wonder why they even bother.

-Ables 19: Woofables

You know we had to have one for the pets creeping about betwixt our feet. Apparently dogs, in particular. And don't shutter to notice that it is also quite gourmet. Not just any ball-lickin', leg-humpin', turd chewin', cat-puke slurpin' puppy would appreciate the finer points of this delicacy.. whatever it is.
So many of our -ables have been gourmet. It must be a case of tandem trait propagation. And, what other than being able to woof something would our canine companions request of us, and of retail? How does one woof something? Ask a dog. It sounds to me like a variation on certain forms of inhaled chemical abuse. I'm hoping I'm wrong, dogs' noses being so sensitive and all, but there is a possible clever secondary interpretation of the term bakery. 
One thing's for sure, it is demonstrably evident that this item is made by dogs, for dogs. Seeing the customary chef's chapeau perched above the mascot's tilted visage must indicate that fact. However, said mascot's eyes appear to indicate that aforementioned secondary meaning for bakery. 

-Ables 17: Toastables

Tired of chafing your fingertips twist-twist-twisting the bread bag tie, in order to ferret a couple slices out for your morning toastings? Which way is it twisted? Am I wringing it more tightly closed, or am I making progress toward my goal? It's often too laborious to ascertain. Worn ragged by the concentration and dexterity it requires to precisely struggle the slices, with very little margin of error, into the toaster slots, once you convey them all the way over to the appliance? Fatigued by the shear brute force it takes to both depress and lock into place the lowering lever? Bored to desiccation by having to loiter over the heat of the device, anticipating what might emerge as nothing but charred flagstone?
Well, fret no more! Now your toast is toastable!.. well, your bread was always toastable, to be accurate, but now your toast is microwaveable!.. or something. (note to product development devision concerning name).
Simply start by nimbly ferreting a couple slices out of the handy resealable box. Which end is the resealable opening tab on? You'll have very little problem checking all six sides to figure it out! Then effortlessly lug the selected slices the short distance all the way over to the microwave oven, open the door, place the already toasted, but cold as dirt, slices of delectable (note to product development devision concerning possible name change).. toastable slices onto your favourite toast-sized plate (note to customer: Do not place toast directly onto interior floor or rotating surface of microwave, as it is most likely quite unsanitary.) Proceed to program the mechanism to the desired heating time and temperature, and voila! Out jumps toast. Perfect every time (no variation in toasting hue possible, as toast is already toasted). It's simply toastable!.. err, you know.

Cleverly marketed to seniors, who are most likely more fatigued by the chore of making toast. Indication of this being, the bite mark on the product packaging illustrates no application of teeth, but instead clearly exhibits a gummed incising.

-Ables 16: Steamables

What do we have here? Whatever it is, it's most certainly Deluxe. The pedestrian model either must not be Asian, or perhaps contain only run-of-the-mill peas. I'm not settling for that. My vegetables have to be pictSweet.. all the way. So.. does that mean they are as sweet as the long lost Picts, only the ghosts of whom may yet wander the British Isles? How can they substantiate this claim? Is there archeological or anthropological evidence that the Picts could be described thusly? Were they actually of a sugary nature, or could they have been simply pleasant folk? It's all academic at this point, I suppose.

However, do take note that an apostrophe has been employed here. Always a sign that something, something, has been omitted. It could have been anything from Steam Locomotive-ables, to Steaming Pile of Shit-ables. Beware the apostrophe. 

-Ables 15: Spreadables

There must be a parade of vile imitators seeking to undercut the enormous profit potential of this fine product, as its creators make sure we know decisively that it is "THE ORIGINAL". Accept no imitations folks, no matter how temptingly similar they may appear at first. Can a pretender confidently assert its status as gourmet?.. Maybe so, but can it truthfully tout an edgy yet brilliant mixture of bacon, cheddar and horseradish?.. They may perhaps get away with a paltry swill of ham, Gouda and daikon, .. ooh, actually, that sounds kind of good... Anyways... most important of all, is it spreadable?

-Ables 14: Snackables

I'm glad they clarify that it is "APPROX." 50 cubes. Exactly 50 would have me picturing some individual placing each numbered cube into the bag with his/her fingers, transforming the cheese with that dusty warm surface it gets when someone's been pawing it for awhile at a church picnic, wake, or nude fundraiser.

I'm also quite relieved they chose to assure us that the cheese was actually NATURAL, and not monstrous or freakish. However, given the little mascot character to the left, I'm not so sure it isn't.

Remember, kids, the package says that this product is snackable, so don't be binding yourself up internally by downing the full contents in one go, under the mistaken notion of it being mealable. You've been warned.