A Joyous Holiday Season to Everyone, and All the Best in the Bright New Year!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Blaspho!
© weskos, 2010, all rights reserved, all blame taken.
Today is September 30th, 2010: Blasphemy Day. No one has the right to hold their beliefs or sensitivities beyond scrutiny, criticism or lampooning. So, in the spirit of slaughtering sacred cows, I offer you this nsfw piece. "Marital aids" (I love that euphemism! Ha!) for christians.
This may even get my blog demolished by blogspot/blogger, but freedom of expression is worth pushing the envelope.
Yes, you may think this is 'way over the line,' but that's the point now, isn't it? I invite you to examine your own sacred cows. We all have them.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Twelve Steps to Religion
..Apart from those other, overtly religious twelve steps.
_
1. Give up the idea that you must take responsibility for your own actions.
_
2. Make your sanity dependent on a notion that the imaginary is more important than the verifiable.
_
3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to an illogical mythical construct, no matter what the consequences.
_
4. Allow enigmatic and reason-blearing paradoxes to grow like weeds in your mind, and base life-altering decisions upon them.
_
5. Demand that others respect your right to live in a make-believe world, no matter how ridiculous and counterproductive it may be to society as a whole.
_
6. Have a gushy sook to your fanciful imaginings about exactly how worthless you are by your very nature. Then parlay the resulting low self esteem into a persecution complex that you can use as a shield against criticism.
_
7. Insist that only elements within your pretend construct can define it, equate it with the real world, call it special revelation, then claim parity for that circular view alongside empirically and independently confirmed knowledge.
_
8. Put a pretty name, such as "faith" on gullibility and claim it to be a virtue, while at the same time denigrating healthy critical thinking with the monikers of "closed mindedness" and "cynicism."
_
9. Because delusion, as well as misery, loves company, demand that others share your fantasy, and begin to live their lives based on it, despite the lack of any evidence for it whatsoever. Then, when they challenge the notion, condemn them with your words, while denying that you are making any judgment of them, hiding behind the notion that the delusion itself is just speaking through you.
_
10. Demand of those persons who are unconvinced by your desperately unpersuasive and inaccurate descriptions of reality that they must prove a negative regarding your illogical position. But don't then apply that same standard to anything else in your life.
_
11. Claim direct and real communication between yourself and the imagined personages of your delusions, even though no discernible product of such communication can be demonstrated.
_
12. Seek, through that attempted communication with the imaginary, and morbid introspection, to completely destabilize your conscious contact with reality, by opting for that fantasy as a solution to real world problems, over actual, proven, hands-on solutions.
_
12b. End up doing real harm in the world as a result.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tall God's Children!
Our god is taller than your god!!.. And as his children, we are also not so vertically challenged!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Genesis of Testicles
..But for Adam no suitable helper was found. The chimp tried out for the job, and worked for a while, but quickly lost interest in helping Adam. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; Because, ya know, Adam was too quick for God to pin down without knocking him out, and also, anesthetics hadn't been invented yet.
God was a nicer fellow back in those times, not yet having flown off into a rage to kill the thousands upon thousands of people he would do later in this same book. He didn't want what he was going to do to Adam to be too torturous for him. So while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Extra flesh that God just happened to have left over from when he made Adam, but not enough to make a whole other person.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man. Ribs are like concentrated condensed flesh, so they can be added to water to make enough flesh to make a whole human being out of, at least when God does it. He made her with the same number of ribs that Adam was going to have after that little surgical procedure, so there would be no evidence that the operation had ever taken place.
And the Lord God said to himself, he said, "I might as well give the man some testicles now, and a scrotum to keep them in, because ya know, now that there's a woman around, he might need them to reproduce." So Adam got testicles, which dangled between his legs like the afterthought they were.
And God said to Eve, which Adam had named the woman. "Now you can give Adam a haircut, because that's the way I like him to look. I would have designed his hair to stop growing at a certain length, but me being the omniscient deity I happen to be, knew that I'd be making you to do that for him. So yeah, go do that then." So Eve went and fashioned two sharp rocks into the first pair of scissors.
Later, after a bit of a tiff with God, they had babies, and when they grew up, they had sex with their children, and those children had sex with each other, though they were brothers and sisters. And thus they populated the earth.
God was a nicer fellow back in those times, not yet having flown off into a rage to kill the thousands upon thousands of people he would do later in this same book. He didn't want what he was going to do to Adam to be too torturous for him. So while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Extra flesh that God just happened to have left over from when he made Adam, but not enough to make a whole other person.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man. Ribs are like concentrated condensed flesh, so they can be added to water to make enough flesh to make a whole human being out of, at least when God does it. He made her with the same number of ribs that Adam was going to have after that little surgical procedure, so there would be no evidence that the operation had ever taken place.
And the Lord God said to himself, he said, "I might as well give the man some testicles now, and a scrotum to keep them in, because ya know, now that there's a woman around, he might need them to reproduce." So Adam got testicles, which dangled between his legs like the afterthought they were.
And God said to Eve, which Adam had named the woman. "Now you can give Adam a haircut, because that's the way I like him to look. I would have designed his hair to stop growing at a certain length, but me being the omniscient deity I happen to be, knew that I'd be making you to do that for him. So yeah, go do that then." So Eve went and fashioned two sharp rocks into the first pair of scissors.
Later, after a bit of a tiff with God, they had babies, and when they grew up, they had sex with their children, and those children had sex with each other, though they were brothers and sisters. And thus they populated the earth.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
FB Recommendation FAIL
Really?!.. Really?! FaceBook seems to be stretching it a little.. OK, more than a little.
Thanks to Ken for this little gem.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
It's Draw Mohammed Day!
..or 'depict' him in some way. I choose to show the prophet Mohammed appearing Mary-n-Jesus-like in a slice of soft, ripe cheese. Look..Just there.. Ever so lightly! There he is! Depicted!As anyone who hasn't been living on Lost island will have heard, some Muslims have a hitch in their craw about having their beloved prophet shown or depicted in any way. This irrational sensitivity has deluded those same Muslims into thinking they can act out violently, to the point of murder, when non-Muslims exercise their freedoms of expression and speech in depicting, cartooning or showing Mohammed.
Mind you. It is not the exercising of those freedoms that is causing the fervor, but the fact that some Muslims *choose* to be offended by this otherwise non-issue. Most Muslims couldn't care less about it. However, the conspicuous silence of those "moderate" Muslims- their failure to condemn the violence and threats committed by their brethren seems to tacitly condone that behaviour, and causes them to share in the culpability.
They seek to curtail our basic rights by using the only tactic available to their primitive intellects, brute intimidation. This is unacceptable.
Therefore, so as not to tacitly condone the behaviour myself, I lend my voice to support those basic rights of expression and speech that must be defended from the irrational.
Come get me, Muslims! I'm easy enough to track down!
In the end though, those wack-job religious fundies are forgetting an important aspect to all this ridiculousness. That little rule about depicting Mohammed applies to them, not to non-Muslims.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Heeere, lemme juss showya... tell.. tell ya how...
Governor Pawlenty just signed into law a measure making it mandatory to install breathalyzer ignition systems in the cars of convicted drunk drivers to prevent them from starting their cars while drunk.
Sober passengers will supposedly be prevented from blowing into the device and starting the car for the drunk driver, because a "special technique" will be needed, which is only taught to convicted drunk drivers.
Good thing stereotypical drunk drivers consistently slur their speech so drastically that they won't perhaps be able to simply TELL THEIR SOBER PASSENGER THE "SPECIAL TECHNIQUE."
*Facepalm*
Sober passengers will supposedly be prevented from blowing into the device and starting the car for the drunk driver, because a "special technique" will be needed, which is only taught to convicted drunk drivers.
Good thing stereotypical drunk drivers consistently slur their speech so drastically that they won't perhaps be able to simply TELL THEIR SOBER PASSENGER THE "SPECIAL TECHNIQUE."
*Facepalm*
Saturday, May 15, 2010
No Discrimination at This Restaurant!
It doesn't matter what species you are. The Uptown Diner in Minneapolis will gladly take your order. Remember to wipe your hooves at the doormat.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Doctor Who Finale
In response to Brain's preferences for not having The Master, the Daleks, or the Cybermen in this season's finale of Doctor Who...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Rant: Ben Stein's Letter
This is a bit late as a post here, but I just found this now.
In late 2008 Ben Stein had an email spam letter circulating that happened to end up in my inbox. I had a few things to say about it.
To quote out of context; I agree with the following of Ben Stein's words:
"I think people who believe in God are sick." Otherwise... yeah.
I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Well, no one ever said America was an atheist country.. in fact it isn't a country at all.. it consists of two continents: a northern flavor and a southern.
What IS explicit is the separation of church and state in the US constitution, so to use descriptors such as "atheist" or "religious" to characterize the country would simply be inapplicable. - like describing a solar system as "religious" or "atheist".
Are the people in and of the country "religious" or "atheist"? Of course they are both. As for having one or the other shoved down my throat, I've personally found the "religious" contingent far more proselytizing than the "atheist" folks.
where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
No one says you have to worship celebrities. That's what freedom of idiocy.. I mean religion.. is all about. We all have the right to believe what we wish. That does NOT mean we have the right to worship how we wish, if in fact that action of worship is harmful to others. Belief takes place inside your own head. Worship is an action with potential consequences for the interactive world, and thus should not be an anything goes proposition.
You understand god? Wow! You must have all the answers then.
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
The old "I remember when" cry of the Reactionary! Reminiscing about times that never were.
Celebrating celebrity is a hallmark of the 20th century, so if you're remembering them "good ol' days", they'd have to be as far back as the 1800s. I neither think you're that old, nor do I believe you wish the country to return to those times.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Too late...
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina)
Sounds like a religious set-up question for a religious person to me.
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.
I suppose it would seem so to those who are distracted by pretentious platitudes.
She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are,
That makes sense, given that god is made up by human beings, and he, as one of our favourite fictional characters, would be imbued with the same emotions as we.
but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools,
Was he ever there to begin with?
to get out of our government
Where he's not needed or wanted.. as it is written!
and to get out of our lives.
As we grow out of any need for him.
And being the gentleman He is,
with a top hat, bow tie and cane…
I believe He has calmly backed out.
I'm sorry, the statement you were attempting to utter has been negated of all reasonable contemplation by the preface, 'I believe…'"
How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?
If god is omnipotent, that would not be a restriction on his action, would it now?
In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.
"In light of recent events"... which have been going on throughout human history. Why do apocalypsists always point in surprise at these things?
I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
You think your woes started with Madeleine Murray O'Hare? Why stop there? Why not go further back.. Darwin, Sartre, Nietzsche, ..Galileo.. And any of the many other purveyors of logic and reason.
"She was murdered…"
So nonchalantly mentioned.. as if that would be an appropriate response to her activism.
That seems all too religiously typical. (Reminds me of the thinly veiled threats from RevolutionMuslim towards the South Park guys.)
"complained"? Interesting choice of words to belittle the intent.
I suppose we had to let those pesky negroes free too, when they "complained" about being enslaved.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
No one just up and said such a thing, in fact no one said that at all.
The goofy thing can be assigned to reading lists, just like any other work of fiction. It just shouldn't be taught from as if it were a text book.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Just because the blah blah has those (among other things) written in it, does not mean that it is the sole, or even the best source of such moral messages. In fact, I would argue that it is indeed one of the worst suggested guides for moral or ethical instruction.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem
Are parents really so feeble-minded that they can't control their children without beating on them?
If a parent finds a child's misbehavior so very unmanageable, that they must resort to physical violence to assuage their own frustration, then the situation points directly to that parent's lack of coping ability, and lack of suitability as a parent.
( Dr Spock's son committed suicide).
To imply that a supposed suicide of Dr. Spock's son is directly attributable to his theories about childcare is in amazingly poor taste.
Let's blame Lou Gehrig's disease on baseball while we're at it.
And even more poignant perhaps.. ARE THE FACTS!
Dr. Spock's son DID NOT commit suicide, neither is he the least bit dead. This is simply misinformation! (Harkening back to your speech writing days, are we Ben?)
http://www.snopes.com/medical/doctor/drspock.asp
We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
We shouldn't be taking you with a grain of salt either then, I suppose.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
"Now"?! ... Where have you been for the last 5000 years, that you think it has gotten anything but markedly BETTER in the last 200!
Education, nutrition and peaceful coexistence used to be unattainable luxuries for the masses. Now we see them as inalienable rights.
Wanting conditions used to precipitate horrible atrocities between human beings, and they still do, where those necessities are lacking.
If anything we have more ethically conscientious, intelligent, well-balanced young people now than ever before.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
You reference a cause-effect relationship, but the correlation remains completely unfounded.
"If we think about it long and hard enough.."?
If we continue looking inside our own heads for answers to outside questions, we ultimately end up trapped on the other side of the solution. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
"I think it has..."
Don't you really mean "I believe..."?
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell
Yes.. funny, and Yes.. simple.
The world is only going to hell for those who believe in such a thing.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Or maybe question both with a healthy mind.. giving more credence to newspapers, because they are independently verifiable. .. while on the other hand, it's not even clear WHAT the bible is trying to say.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Because jokes have universal appeal, whereas your lord is only a make-believe monarch to a few.
And no.. Those who believe the religious crap do not think twice about sending it on, they follow blindly, like sheep, without thinking for themselves about the content of such messages.
Those who don't believe in it, either delete it outright, or waste hours responding to it, because it entertains them.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace,
Wait.. Isn't that what cyberspace is for?
And besides, "lewd", "crude", "vulgar", and "obscene" are all vague, subjective assessments, not fit for use in proper critique.
but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
And:::
You don't discuss the moistness of your girlfriend's sasquatch with her father.
And you don't talk about your wonderful trip to Vegas to the widow at her husband's funeral.
And you don't show your cub scout troop your new nipple rings.
Because it's INAPPROPRIATE.
Are you laughing yet?
Hell yeah!
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
So I'm forwarding the message now? When did we decide that?
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Maybe because people can be cruel and judgmental.. Oh wait, the christian god reserves the right to be exactly those things!
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did.
Is that some sort of passive-aggressive guilt thing you're trying? That's hilarious! I prefer to lampoon it.
But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
Because you've laid out the causes and effects to the exclusion of all other possibilities! Methinks not.
My Best Regards,
From your self righteous, condescending tower…
Honestly and respectfully,
... But not altogether truthfully or accurately.
Ben Stein
…'s Money (Cancelled)
In late 2008 Ben Stein had an email spam letter circulating that happened to end up in my inbox. I had a few things to say about it.
To quote out of context; I agree with the following of Ben Stein's words:
"I think people who believe in God are sick." Otherwise... yeah.
I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Well, no one ever said America was an atheist country.. in fact it isn't a country at all.. it consists of two continents: a northern flavor and a southern.
What IS explicit is the separation of church and state in the US constitution, so to use descriptors such as "atheist" or "religious" to characterize the country would simply be inapplicable. - like describing a solar system as "religious" or "atheist".
Are the people in and of the country "religious" or "atheist"? Of course they are both. As for having one or the other shoved down my throat, I've personally found the "religious" contingent far more proselytizing than the "atheist" folks.
where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
No one says you have to worship celebrities. That's what freedom of idiocy.. I mean religion.. is all about. We all have the right to believe what we wish. That does NOT mean we have the right to worship how we wish, if in fact that action of worship is harmful to others. Belief takes place inside your own head. Worship is an action with potential consequences for the interactive world, and thus should not be an anything goes proposition.
You understand god? Wow! You must have all the answers then.
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
The old "I remember when" cry of the Reactionary! Reminiscing about times that never were.
Celebrating celebrity is a hallmark of the 20th century, so if you're remembering them "good ol' days", they'd have to be as far back as the 1800s. I neither think you're that old, nor do I believe you wish the country to return to those times.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Too late...
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina)
Sounds like a religious set-up question for a religious person to me.
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.
I suppose it would seem so to those who are distracted by pretentious platitudes.
She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are,
That makes sense, given that god is made up by human beings, and he, as one of our favourite fictional characters, would be imbued with the same emotions as we.
but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools,
Was he ever there to begin with?
to get out of our government
Where he's not needed or wanted.. as it is written!
and to get out of our lives.
As we grow out of any need for him.
And being the gentleman He is,
with a top hat, bow tie and cane…
I believe He has calmly backed out.
I'm sorry, the statement you were attempting to utter has been negated of all reasonable contemplation by the preface, 'I believe…'"
How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?
If god is omnipotent, that would not be a restriction on his action, would it now?
In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.
"In light of recent events"... which have been going on throughout human history. Why do apocalypsists always point in surprise at these things?
I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
You think your woes started with Madeleine Murray O'Hare? Why stop there? Why not go further back.. Darwin, Sartre, Nietzsche, ..Galileo.. And any of the many other purveyors of logic and reason.
"She was murdered…"
So nonchalantly mentioned.. as if that would be an appropriate response to her activism.
That seems all too religiously typical. (Reminds me of the thinly veiled threats from RevolutionMuslim towards the South Park guys.)
"complained"? Interesting choice of words to belittle the intent.
I suppose we had to let those pesky negroes free too, when they "complained" about being enslaved.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
No one just up and said such a thing, in fact no one said that at all.
The goofy thing can be assigned to reading lists, just like any other work of fiction. It just shouldn't be taught from as if it were a text book.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Just because the blah blah has those (among other things) written in it, does not mean that it is the sole, or even the best source of such moral messages. In fact, I would argue that it is indeed one of the worst suggested guides for moral or ethical instruction.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem
Are parents really so feeble-minded that they can't control their children without beating on them?
If a parent finds a child's misbehavior so very unmanageable, that they must resort to physical violence to assuage their own frustration, then the situation points directly to that parent's lack of coping ability, and lack of suitability as a parent.
( Dr Spock's son committed suicide).
To imply that a supposed suicide of Dr. Spock's son is directly attributable to his theories about childcare is in amazingly poor taste.
Let's blame Lou Gehrig's disease on baseball while we're at it.
And even more poignant perhaps.. ARE THE FACTS!
Dr. Spock's son DID NOT commit suicide, neither is he the least bit dead. This is simply misinformation! (Harkening back to your speech writing days, are we Ben?)
http://www.snopes.com/medical/doctor/drspock.asp
We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
We shouldn't be taking you with a grain of salt either then, I suppose.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
"Now"?! ... Where have you been for the last 5000 years, that you think it has gotten anything but markedly BETTER in the last 200!
Education, nutrition and peaceful coexistence used to be unattainable luxuries for the masses. Now we see them as inalienable rights.
Wanting conditions used to precipitate horrible atrocities between human beings, and they still do, where those necessities are lacking.
If anything we have more ethically conscientious, intelligent, well-balanced young people now than ever before.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
You reference a cause-effect relationship, but the correlation remains completely unfounded.
"If we think about it long and hard enough.."?
If we continue looking inside our own heads for answers to outside questions, we ultimately end up trapped on the other side of the solution. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
"I think it has..."
Don't you really mean "I believe..."?
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell
Yes.. funny, and Yes.. simple.
The world is only going to hell for those who believe in such a thing.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Or maybe question both with a healthy mind.. giving more credence to newspapers, because they are independently verifiable. .. while on the other hand, it's not even clear WHAT the bible is trying to say.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Because jokes have universal appeal, whereas your lord is only a make-believe monarch to a few.
And no.. Those who believe the religious crap do not think twice about sending it on, they follow blindly, like sheep, without thinking for themselves about the content of such messages.
Those who don't believe in it, either delete it outright, or waste hours responding to it, because it entertains them.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace,
Wait.. Isn't that what cyberspace is for?
And besides, "lewd", "crude", "vulgar", and "obscene" are all vague, subjective assessments, not fit for use in proper critique.
but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
And:::
You don't discuss the moistness of your girlfriend's sasquatch with her father.
And you don't talk about your wonderful trip to Vegas to the widow at her husband's funeral.
And you don't show your cub scout troop your new nipple rings.
Because it's INAPPROPRIATE.
Are you laughing yet?
Hell yeah!
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.
So I'm forwarding the message now? When did we decide that?
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Maybe because people can be cruel and judgmental.. Oh wait, the christian god reserves the right to be exactly those things!
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did.
Is that some sort of passive-aggressive guilt thing you're trying? That's hilarious! I prefer to lampoon it.
But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
Because you've laid out the causes and effects to the exclusion of all other possibilities! Methinks not.
My Best Regards,
From your self righteous, condescending tower…
Honestly and respectfully,
... But not altogether truthfully or accurately.
Ben Stein
…'s Money (Cancelled)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Prejidenture Candledates
I am NOT drunk.... really, I'm not, but if I were, here are some sips of the lung.. tips of the slung.. clips of the .. lames of the predisential candelates.... names...
Hillary Clinton
Clittary Hilton
Hickory Lincoln
Clinical Tickory
Knickery Killton
Litany Nixon
Hilltop Cannery
Mit Romney
Ron Chutney
Rip Chimney
Rim Omni
Knit Pickney
Mike Huckabee
Hike Peekaboo
Nick Knuckleknob
Beep Bugaboo
Hillabee Buckaroo
Bikini Kabob
Barack Obama
Black-O-rama
Binaca Llama
Rack-O-Bambi
Burt Bacharach
sorry to have wasted your time...
Hillary Clinton
Clittary Hilton
Hickory Lincoln
Clinical Tickory
Knickery Killton
Litany Nixon
Hilltop Cannery
Mit Romney
Ron Chutney
Rip Chimney
Rim Omni
Knit Pickney
Mike Huckabee
Hike Peekaboo
Nick Knuckleknob
Beep Bugaboo
Hillabee Buckaroo
Bikini Kabob
Barack Obama
Black-O-rama
Binaca Llama
Rack-O-Bambi
Burt Bacharach
sorry to have wasted your time...
One Hundred Years Hence
An interesting little piece ran on the front page of the January 1, 1901 Newark Daily Advocate (Newark, Ohio). It expounded on the possibilities imagined for advancements in the year 2001. You can find it in the archives of the Paleofuture.com site
I just thought I'd make my own version of it. I love the jargon, concepts and language evolution.
One hundred years hence, what manner of marvels shall adorn our every-day?
Will a man's suit be decanted onto his person before breakfast, or might he take his morning constitutional fully exposed?
Will the steam locomotive require its daily coal concentrated in pastille form?
Will the men of congress tele-phone in the votes of their elected duty?
Will immigrant Moon men tend to dish-washing and street-sweeping as the Formosan or Spaniard does today?
Will the sweet nectar of the orange drip from the pulp in purple?
Will the seamstress employ a petite hammer and nails to hem a gown of gossamer metals?
Will airships serve as arks, traversing the ethers between worlds, to populate them with flora and fauna, two by two?
Will the cuisine of the Eskimo be vended at the neighbourhood grocery?
Will the cones of the spruce be bred to glow like candles on Christmas?
Will common currency be replaced by a small plastic card with a magnetic strip that tallies charges?
Will meat-loaf find its primary ingredient in the cracker barrel, rather than with the butcher?
Will chapeaux and bowlers be festooned with electric lights?
Will mammoth cats chase lap dogs down alleyways?
Will this endeavor prove more tedious than either clever or amusing?
I just thought I'd make my own version of it. I love the jargon, concepts and language evolution.
One hundred years hence, what manner of marvels shall adorn our every-day?
Will a man's suit be decanted onto his person before breakfast, or might he take his morning constitutional fully exposed?
Will the steam locomotive require its daily coal concentrated in pastille form?
Will the men of congress tele-phone in the votes of their elected duty?
Will immigrant Moon men tend to dish-washing and street-sweeping as the Formosan or Spaniard does today?
Will the sweet nectar of the orange drip from the pulp in purple?
Will the seamstress employ a petite hammer and nails to hem a gown of gossamer metals?
Will airships serve as arks, traversing the ethers between worlds, to populate them with flora and fauna, two by two?
Will the cuisine of the Eskimo be vended at the neighbourhood grocery?
Will the cones of the spruce be bred to glow like candles on Christmas?
Will common currency be replaced by a small plastic card with a magnetic strip that tallies charges?
Will meat-loaf find its primary ingredient in the cracker barrel, rather than with the butcher?
Will chapeaux and bowlers be festooned with electric lights?
Will mammoth cats chase lap dogs down alleyways?
Will this endeavor prove more tedious than either clever or amusing?
Neologasms
prostituation n.
- an unplanned or unforeseen circumstance in which one finds oneself having given or taken money and/or gifts that later result in anticipation of obligatory sex.
appearancestors n.
- famous and powerful historic figures to which everyone wants or claims to be descended.
pressert [PRE-zert] n.
- having sweets before the main meal instead of after
instairs/outstairs adv.
- back formation - upstairs, downstairs -inside outside.
gekkomercial n.
- a television add that is so annoying that you have to exert energy to turn it off before you see/hear it again and damage your brain.
pontifingers [LO!] n.
- that blessing hand gesture that Jesus does in those medieval paintings with the index and middle fingers together erect, thumb outward, and the ring and little fingers bent palmward.
- an unplanned or unforeseen circumstance in which one finds oneself having given or taken money and/or gifts that later result in anticipation of obligatory sex.
appearancestors n.
- famous and powerful historic figures to which everyone wants or claims to be descended.
pressert [PRE-zert] n.
- having sweets before the main meal instead of after
instairs/outstairs adv.
- back formation - upstairs, downstairs -inside outside.
gekkomercial n.
- a television add that is so annoying that you have to exert energy to turn it off before you see/hear it again and damage your brain.
pontifingers [LO!] n.
- that blessing hand gesture that Jesus does in those medieval paintings with the index and middle fingers together erect, thumb outward, and the ring and little fingers bent palmward.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I Love You More Than Your God Does
I won't torture you forever because of your nature.
I won't demand that you forsake your friends and family to curry my favour.
I won't obligate you to worship me.
I won't communicate with you in a way that can at best be described as cryptic, and at worst non-existent.
I won't order you to attack or kill people.
I won't require perfection of you to be around me.
I won't tell you to abandon rational thinking, and do what I say without reason.
I won't label you as unworthy, and then place it upon you to overcome my judgment.
I don't need or want any of that.
What am I?
I'm common human friendship.
And yes, that's right.
I love you more than your god does.
I won't demand that you forsake your friends and family to curry my favour.
I won't obligate you to worship me.
I won't communicate with you in a way that can at best be described as cryptic, and at worst non-existent.
I won't order you to attack or kill people.
I won't require perfection of you to be around me.
I won't tell you to abandon rational thinking, and do what I say without reason.
I won't label you as unworthy, and then place it upon you to overcome my judgment.
I don't need or want any of that.
What am I?
I'm common human friendship.
And yes, that's right.
I love you more than your god does.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Fedoralingo Quiz
I thought I put this up a while ago, but I guess not. Well, here it is! Here what is, you ask? The Fedoralingo Quiz! Can't you read titles? What's "Fedoralingo?" you ask? Well, lemme tell ya! A "fedora" was a popular hat the fellas wore back in the 30's and 40's in the good ol' U.S. of A., see? A perfect symbol for the particular brand of slang, or "lingo," that they used back then.
So c'mon along and dip your toes into some fedoralingo! And feel free to make one of your own using whatever slang or regional dialect you happen to know!
1) Why, I oughta come on over there and give ya...
a) what for.
b) a piece of my mind.
c) a knuckle sandwich.
2) Get a load of...
a) the gams on that dame.
b) the stiffs in this rinky-dink gin joint.
c) the riffraff in this two-bit flophouse.
3) What's all the...
a) hubbub, bub?
b) ballyhoo, buddy-boy?
c) folderol, fellas?
4) You ain't so slick, ya big...
a) galoot!
b) lug!
c) chump!
5) You fellas got the skinny on...
a) that swanky new jalopy?
b) that snazzy little number?
c) that ritzy ol' broad?
(P.S. This is not actually a quiz, as any one of the answers given works fine for each question.)
So c'mon along and dip your toes into some fedoralingo! And feel free to make one of your own using whatever slang or regional dialect you happen to know!
1) Why, I oughta come on over there and give ya...
a) what for.
b) a piece of my mind.
c) a knuckle sandwich.
2) Get a load of...
a) the gams on that dame.
b) the stiffs in this rinky-dink gin joint.
c) the riffraff in this two-bit flophouse.
3) What's all the...
a) hubbub, bub?
b) ballyhoo, buddy-boy?
c) folderol, fellas?
4) You ain't so slick, ya big...
a) galoot!
b) lug!
c) chump!
5) You fellas got the skinny on...
a) that swanky new jalopy?
b) that snazzy little number?
c) that ritzy ol' broad?
(P.S. This is not actually a quiz, as any one of the answers given works fine for each question.)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Wafflecube
Inspired by Isaac's suggestion from March 5th on
http://twitter.com/ChaoticIsaac
I give you Wafflecube, the cake-stuffed wafflestructure. An important part of this balanced, nutritional brunch.
The tesseract version gave me indigestion.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Image of Mother of Son of Ceiling Cat
I saw an image of the mother of the son of Ceiling Cat, who looks surprisingly like Ceiling Cat, burnt into my toast this morning.
... ebay?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Average Americano
The elevator at the Marriott Hotel in Minneapolis seems to expect a person in America to average 350 lbs. That's 159 kg. , 25 stone. .. Also notice the Health Club on the 7th floor! Things that make you go hmm.
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