I Don't Need These...

The commercial says something like, "I can even find items in this purse blindfolded!"

[Because often times when I'm blindfolded, I need to find my glasses. But if I had my glasses on, I'd be able to find them in my purse more easily.]
.... What?! ... What were we talking about again?!

That Musta Been Some Turkey

They try to warn against the improper use of those deep friers
[Yes I make light of world tragedy]

A Painful Place to Eat

Merry Exmas!!

Peter Griffin | Woman's Shirt

Did you ever notice that Peter Griffin is wearing a woman's shirt. Take a look at which side the buttons are on. This evidence, coupled with the fact that he tried to nurse Stewie once, leads me to believe that he may in fact (.. in cartoon fact) be a woman.

That Avada Clinic dude and Bert

Grand Nagus Zek and this African Person

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

I'm justice smart ass, you.

When someone asks, "What's up?" I have to say, " 'Up' is the direction away from the nearest and strongest center of gravity."
This is because I'm so damned clever and smug.

OK.. now here's a more difficult one.. What's "in"..
You may not use the word "in" in your definition, nor any word containing "in-" or "en-".

Show your work, and only use a number two pencil. Points will be deducted for consulting god or gods for your answer.

Dirty Bath Towels

OK... here's something. How come we have to wash bath towels? Aren't we supposed to be clean when we step out of the shower? If we're drying our "clean" bodies off with a towel, then the towel should be perpetually clean, shouldn't it? ... And thus begins my stand-up comedy routine.

Hey Hey I'm the. . .Monkey?