One Answers a Questionnaire

1. In five words or less, describe what you do for a living. (Don't be cute.)



I learn. I wait.

2. If you were worth $40 billion and had already bought and donated everything you wanted to, would you spend $40 million on a beautiful Van Gogh painting?

No. I don’t like Van Gogh.

3. Would you spend $40 million on a 200-foot yacht?



Yes. Then I would put $40 million worth of treasure in it and sink it. Then, hundreds of years from now someone will find it and remark, “Wow! Some idiot thought we would find this and be rich, but this treasure isn’t worth anything these days.”

4. How many times have you been engaged to be married?

The same number of times any black person or woman went to vote in the 1880 presidential elections.

5. Did you have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend in high school?



I didn’t have a steady one, or an unsteady one.

THREE MARX BROTHERS-THEMED QUESTIONS:


6. Have you ever had a day at the races?



I don’t know what this is referring to.

7. Have you ever had a night at the opera?



I have been to an opera. It sucked. My mind was on other things.

8. Have you ever eaten duck soup?

Yes

9. If you accomplish something major that you're proud of, and nobody gives you any credit for it, does that bother you?

I’m constantly being offered credit. I just throw them in the trash. But seriously, the worth of any “something major” would stand on its own.

10. Of all the things that your "dream house" will have (which your current place of residence does not), what are the three most important?



light… air… color…

11. Who is the most famous person you've ever met? ("Met" = at least exchanged two words with face-to-face, preferably shook hands with)

I’m not saying.

12. Have you ever seen a U.S. President in person? (You didn't have to meet him)



I’ve probably met an ancestor of some future president.

13. If you go to a favorite restaurant, do you always order the same dish or do you mix it up a bit?

Hellz yeah. I’m so predictable that I even eat the items in the same order.

14. When was the last time either of your parents saw you naked?



No.

15. What town did you grow up in? What was the best thing about it? The worst thing?



I was a kid in Big Timber Montana. The best thing about it was the cute boys. The worst thing about it was that those cute boys would have lynched me for being gay.

I was a teenager in Grand Rapids Minnesota. The best thing about it was the cute boys. The worst thing about it was that those cute boys would have lynched me for being gay.

16. What town do you live in now? What was the best thing about it? The worst thing?

I live in Minneapolis. It is the most awesomest city ever! … and it’s getting better all the time. All we’re missing is an ocean and some mountains. I’m all for bringing back Lake Agassiz. I’ll get my little plastic shovel and start on some mountains.

17. When you Google your name, in quotes, how many results do you get?



They're all dead guys. (None of them me….. yet)

18. What's your astrological sign, and do you think your personality is typical of that sign's supposed traits?

I’m a Sagittarius, so I guess, no, because I don’t have a bow and arrows, and I don’t have a horses ass…. Oh… personality? Well, how am I supposed to know what kind of personality a guy who’s half horse would have?

19. What household items do you have more of than you need?



None. Give me household items.

20. Name something you ate all the time as a kid that you wouldn't touch now.



I pretty much move forward with my food repertoire. I add things eaten. I don’t subtract them.