Sideboob Bob

Microsoft Coffee

Step aside with me and my friends Jes and Isaac for a moment, and imagine a world in which our most dear and beloved multi-national computer behemoths have ventured into Starbucks' territory and decided to purvey the java. 

A guy steps into a Microsoft coffee shop and orders a small coffee.

 "I'd like a small coffee, please," he cheerfully announces.

 The barista smiles and replies, "It looks like you're trying to order coffee. Would you like me to help you with that?"

 "Yes. A small coffee please. As I said," the guy answers with puzzlement.

 The barista inquires further, "Are you sure you want to do that?"

 "OK," says the guy.

 Nothing happens.

 "Alright, I say!" The customer insists firmly.

 The barista puts a ream of paper on the counter. "Please read and sign this Terms of Service agreement."

 "What's that!?" asks the guy.

 "Just the standard usage agreement. You agree that you will not, under penalty of law, transfer the coffee to any other cup, wholly or partially; That you will not duplicate the recipe, either for personal or commercial use. You will not share this coffee with any one else, water it down, or add any other unauthorized ingredients to it, including milk, cream, sugar, cinnamon, chocolate: milk, white or dark; or any other additives without the express permission of Microsoft."

 "Alright then. Sounds reasonable (!)" the patient patron retorts with a roll of the eyes.

 The guy picks up a pen to sign, but the barista breaks in,

 "So, you *AGREE* then?"

 "Yeah..." the poor guy grumbles.

 "Right then!" interrupts the barista and pulls the large amount of paper back off the counter. "Here you are."

 The barista puts a giant tub of water on the counter. 

"That's gigantic!" our customer complains. 

"That's the personal size," explains the barista. "We also have a family size and a business size."

 "But where's the coffee?!" the guy further protests.

 "Oh, that's extra," says the barista.

 The rattled customer moans, "Alright, for fuck's sake, I'll take a 'personal' coffee, please."

 As the barista opens and pours the coffee packet in the water, he looks at the guy and remarks, "I'm preparing your cup to add the coffee. This may take a few minutes." He gets done with mixing in the coffee, but when the customer reaches for it, he says, "Would you like to register this coffee now or later? It only takes a few moments."

 The guy replies, "No thanks." But the barista insists, "*Now* or *Later*?!"

 The customer, almost at the end of his rope, gives in. "Later"

 The barista finally hands the guy his coffee.

 Our customer tries to put a stirrer in the coffee, only to find that it has frozen solid.

 "Now it's frozen," moans the customer.

 "Yeah," replies the barista, "It does that. It also happens to have a few viruses, so you might want to add a shot of whiskey to take care of that."

 "I guess I'd better, then," whinges the now thoroughly disheartened customer.

 "That's also extra," answers the barista.

The customer sighs, "Go on then!"

Our plucky barista takes the coffee and adds whiskey to the cup as well as some marshmallows and some sprinkles.

The customer jumps in, "What are you doing now?"

The barista calmly recites, "We've updated our recipe. Please wait while I update your coffee. I'm just adding update 3 of 26 now."

"I don't have time for this!" shouts the angry customer, and storms out of the Microsoft coffee shop and slips one door down, to the Apple Coffee café.

"I'd like a coffee please," He starts anew.

The Apple employee grins and non-chalantly replies, "That'll be $299."

"That's outrageously overpriced!" yells the guy.

The Apple barista turns to him smugly.  "I know, but you're going to buy it anyway, aren't you?"

The customer sighs, and hands over $299.

"Just sign here," says the barista.

© Wes Koster, Jesmond Mifsud, Isaac Swords early 21st century